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I read an article about a month ago on CNN.com that was like -- what's that saying? Oh yeah -- a bitchslap to the face.

The article is about a new book that discusses "acedia". I had never before seen or heard this word, but the definition described perfectly the mental state I was in for my entire college career. Acedia is essentially emotional detachment, a sort of spiritual laziness wherein you don't really feel connected to the world around you, and therefore don't care what happens to it, or in it. You often become a "workaholic", always keeping yourself busy with something to do because when you stop you feel completely empty. It also often goes hand-in-hand with depression and anxiety, and frankly the boundaries among them all are probably pretty blurry. You focus on getting things DONE, instead of enjoying what you are doing.

When my parents and I finally loaded up the U-Haul last June to move me away from a place where I had spent the last 5 years of my life, as far as I was concerned there was no vehicle fast enough for the job. I cried for 2 minutes, tops -- 1 for the few friends I was leaving there, and 1 for the fact that I WASN'T sad (I know that sounds oxymoronic, but bear with me for a minute...) Why did I hate that place so much? Why was 5 years not enough time for me to feel like I belonged there, like I was a part of a community there? I wanted to feel nostalgic, but my alma mater (Latin: "nourishing mother") never felt very motherly to me. From the first day to the last, I felt like I was skating on the surface of campus -- I could see everyone else underneath the ice, diving deep and planting roots that all grew into an interconnected web -- but I just couldn't get there.

So the big question was: was it me, or the place? Was I incapable of feeling "at home" anywhere new, or was this particular place just a bad fit?

The school was definitely not the best fit, but in the end I think the bigger problem was me. I began to realize in my last year of school how much I hadn't really committed to that college, that city. I didn't get very involved in extra-curricular groups, I didn't go out and explore the city, and perhaps most significantly I didn't make much of an effort to meet a lot of people. And even when I did make some friends, I didn't make much of an effort to nurture those friendships. I was so afraid of change that I did everything I could to stop it from happening -- essentially, I did nothing. I receded into a shell and tried to stay absolutely static, letting all of the friendship, culture, and connections just wash over me untouched. By the time I realized that my disconnectedness was a consequence of that resistance to change, I was graduating.

I realize NOW that this was the main driving force behind my decision to plop myself down in an entirely foreign place and see what would happen when I DIDN'T resist change, when I welcomed it with open arms, lived in the moment, enjoyed the journey, and emotionally invested in each day (you may recognize the majority of the "whales" from my first post here). Would I be able to form new connections, new emotional attachments?

Yes. Yes, I would. I did. And when I drove away from the farm after only 2 months, I cried for a lot longer than 2 minutes.

16 kids x 3 feedings a day x approximately 60 days = 2880 bottles. As I was saying goodbye to ASTL and QG, I was really trying not to cry, but then ASTL said, "You know, you essentially raised [the bottle babies]. And when you see them again, no matter how old they are, they'll recognize you, recognize your voice. They'll wag their tails and lower their heads at you because you're their mama." Considering this, and considering how much I was going to miss this wonderful couple who had welcomed me so readily into their home, I couldn't even voice an actual goodbye. I put my hand over my heart and waved -- and hoped they knew what I meant.

So I have left. I'm sure I'll visit at some point, but I don't know when. I DO know that this experience was not only enjoyable on a daily basis, as it was happening, but it was so didactic -- helping me solve a huge problem that I knew was there but couldn't quite qualify or name.

This is my last post, so I'd like to leave you with a few things. First of all, I highly recommend doing what I did -- putting yourself in a foreign situation and seeing what happens when you accept the change. You don't have to drive 1000 miles away, or seek out a local goat farm. Just try something new. NOW. And commit to it. Also commit to what is already in your life -- your friendships, your partner, a hobby, a job, an idea. Another article I read recently discussed a study whose findings suggested a link between "small talk" and unhappiness. So even committing to an in-depth conversation is a good idea! Follow through -- the bigger the emotional investment, the better the emotional payoff.

Lastly, as I was driving away I finally took care of something that had been bugging me for the past 2 months...

...I took a picture of this sign because seriously who names a store after a euphemism for a shooting rampage, even if it IS an actual postal store??

μηδὲν ἄγαν,

Dorkas